Building Trust in Marriage with a Porn Past {Guest Post}
Building trust in marriage is no easy feat. Building trust in marriage where one or both of the spouses have a porn past can be extremely difficult, but can be done. The following is a guest post by our friends Luke & Trisha Gilkerson from Intoxicated on Life.
Building Trust in Marriage with a Porn Past
building trust in marriage
He speaks: My Porn Habit
In my single days, I consumed a lot of porn. I loved it, and I hated that I loved it…and I hated myself for it.
Experience has taught me that I’m not an anomaly among Christian guys. Quite a few of us plunged headlong into the trap of pornography. Fueled by both a burning lust and a yearning for intimacy, I turned again and again to the dry well of porn to quench my thirst. My journey out of that pit is another story for another day.
When I started dating Trisha—who would become my wife seven months after we met—my great fear was that my old porn habit would resurface after I was married. Dealing with porn as a single man was devastating enough. I hated the though of dragging another person through the mire with me.
She speaks: Refreshing Honesty
While we were dating, Luke was honest from the get-go about his struggles. I appreciated that. He not only disclosed that it was just a past struggle, but an ongoing struggle and temptation. He was transparent and honest. I appreciated that he was actively involved in an accountability and discipleship relationship with an older, trustworthy, godly man.
At times it hurt to know how easily he was tempted, especially as we moved closer to marriage. It is easy for a woman to feel like there must be something wrong with her if her boyfriend, fiancé, or husband has an urge to look at (or talk to) other women online. But what spoke volumes to me was how diligent Luke was to guard his heart.
He speaks: New Home and a New Mission
God’s care for me entering marriage is nothing short of amazing. I’d like to say moving to Michigan to get married was a leap of faith. It really wasn’t. It was a leap of love: I wanted to start a new life with my bride.
God had placed it on my heart to speak to other men about the harms of pornography, but I had no idea how this desire would be fulfilled. Moving to Michigan, I found out that a large number of people who attended my wife’s church were employees at Covenant Eyes, a Christian-owned software company that has helped many people find accountability for their Internet use.
Long story short: I applied; I got the job. It’s been five years now, and I’ve had the opportunity to live my dream: I write and speak about the dangers of pornography and the importance of accountability to Christian readers all over the globe.
She speaks: What-If Fears
I was so thankful Luke got a great job right before we got married. I was also thankful he was going to be working for a great company with a great cause.
I was nervous, however, about him being online all day long for his work. Would he be facing more temptation? I would hate it if his job became just one constant opportunity to fall back into his old sins.
I knew there needed to be some accountability measures, but not just the Covenant Eyes software itself. There needed to be someone, other than me, with whom he could speak frankly about his struggles without fear of hurting their feelings. Someone who would hold him accountable, ask him tough questions, and mentor him through struggles. We discussed all of this and were in agreement before he went in for his first meeting after being hired at Covenant Eyes. We just weren’t sure how it would all work out.
He speaks: The Power of Accountability
I was frank with my bosses the day I was hired at Covenant Eyes: I told them about my past and how I did not want to slip into my old habits.
First, they asked me to be counseled and mentored by the Covenant Eyes chaplain—a man who is also one of the elders at my church. Second, I was told to put Covenant Eyes Accountability Software on my computer. Both one of my bosses and the chaplain started receiving weekly reports of everything I did online.
Five years later I still meet, week in and week out, with my mentor. We have become good friends; he knows me better than nearly anyone. We talk about the temptations I face (both sexual and non-sexual), my sins, and the state of my heart. I have come to love these weekly conversations.
She speaks: Our Agreement
Luke and I have a stated agreement in our marriage when it comes to issues of lust or pornography. When it comes to the week-to-week confessions and conversations, he depends on his mentor. They meet nearly every week and talk about the nitty gritty details: the moments of temptation, lust in his heart, etc. Those are details I don’t prefer to know about.
But I know if he ever comes to me to talk, it is because he has encountered a more serious temptation. He basically tells me what he and his mentor think I need to know.
The agreement has worked so well over the years. I’m not burdened by all the details of Luke’s inner life. I don’t have to play the part of Internet cop. Moreover, I’m thrilled he is getting counsel and accountability from an older, wiser man that I trust. This brings me great peace of mind.
He speaks: 3 Critical Steps for Men
My advice to men who have been entrenched in porn—speaking as a man who’s been in the trenches—is this:
1. Walk with the wise (Proverbs 13:20)
Choose to get closest to those who are truly wise. Find a man in your church who both knows his Bible and how to read human souls. This is one of the reasons God has given us elders: for healing (James 5:14), restoration (Galatians 6:1), and guidance (1 Peter 5:1-5).
2. Walk in the light (1 John 1:7)
Don’t hide your sin or your weaknesses in the dark corners of life. Don’t keep secrets. Don’t let your computer be a haven for sin to thrive. Choose to have a kind of fellowship with other men who can hear your raw and honest confessions. Meet often. Confess often. Encourage often (Hebrews 10:24-25; James 5:16).
3. Walk in newness of life (Romans 6:4)
The ability to live a new life is one of the many benefits of being united to the risen Christ. Dive deeply into theology and learn about what your union with Christ means. Learn to practice daily what it means to reckon yourself already dead to sin but alive to God (Romans 6:11). Learn the joy of walking in the power of His resurrection (Philippians 3:10).
Luke and Trisha met on eHarmony and are happily married with 4 rambunctious boys. Luke works for Covenant Eyes as a professional blogger. Trisha homeschools the boys and is getting ready to launch her second website all on breastfeeding. Luke and Trisha blog at Intoxicated on Life where they enjoy writing about all things related to pursuing a healthy home life: faith, homeschooling, wellness, and nutrition. They aim to present solid research fused with timeless wisdom, and personal experience in all of their posts. You can follow Luke & Trisha on their blog, facebook, twitter, google+, and pinterest.
